Hidden Knowledge

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
ladyshinga
ladyshinga

I understand the comfort people find in the phrase/concept “everything happens for a reason”, but for me… I find comfort in the flipped version of this. It’s not that things happen for a reason, it’s that we as humans GIVE reason. We lose a loved one? There isn’t a “reason” from the universe, not the one we want. So we give it one. We point to the randomness of life and the world and we give it a name, a story. We shape reason out of the void and we take that reason and turn it into something. You see the story of a child who lose their mom to cancer and grew up to become a world-changing doctor, I don’t see that mom as dying “for a reason”, I see a child whose love shaped that tragedy INTO reason. Who took that pain and carved it into love that persists for years after. And we all do it - we all feel the pain of a universe whose laws of death and life slow down for none of us, and we turn it into inspiration and reason. That’s what I find comforting. Us.

occultbookstores

Stories can never be fully told until the end.

natalieironside
natalieironside

Today I feel that life is a magnificent adventure full of boundless possibility where every day is full of new sights to see and new challenges to measure myself against and it feels fine to be an upright hairless ape on this stupid rock and it really doesn't matter if everything is meaningless and we're all just gonna die because the experience of it all has mattered a great deal to me at least.

Tomorrow I'll prolly b sad again

occultbookstores

Yeah.

seananmcguire
theconcealedweapon

When studies show that underage drinking is harmful, it's banned easily. But when studies show that spanking is harmful, it remains legal and parents still insist on doing it.

Age restrictions on purchasing cigarettes pass easily. But laws prohibiting smoking where children are forced to breathe in secondhand smoke are much harder to pass.

Children under a certain age are prohibited from using most social media websites. But adults are allowed to post videos of their children's meltdowns.

Teenagers need their parents' permission to get body modifications. But parents can get their babies' ears pierced.

Anyone who genuinely wants to protect children would not panic about the children's own choices while ignoring what adults force on them. Anyone who genuinely wants to protect children would not insist that studies on the dangers of children's own choices be fully trusted and obeyed while ignoring and arguing with studies on the dangers of how adults treat children.

But many adults just want to control children, not protect them.

presiding
madmonksandmaenads

Your enemy is not the flesh. It's entropy.

presiding

People love to talk about the immortality of the machine, but I'm a mechanical engineer, so I know they delude themselves. Most machines are far more mortal than flesh.

How long does a machine last? A car is a very solid machine, expensive, precision designed, and you're lucky if you get more than three decades out of them.

Your enemy is not the flesh. It's entropy. It's the death knell of the energy imbalance. If you want to live as a complex machine you will, by necessity, generate a great deal of entropy until your machine breaks irrevocably.

You want to be immortal? Then don't worship the machine, worship the stone, the forest. Seek that which is either simple enough to never know death or diffused enough to accept every death.

occultbookstores

Your robot body would break down, too. And it can’t self-repair.

nudityandnerdery
vaspider:
“livebloggingmydescentintomadness:
“hellyeahscarleteen:
“ New! Josie Gleave brings us a guide to sexual grooming that can protect you and your friends from online abusers.
”
you should still click through, but this is such a crucial topic...
hellyeahscarleteen

New! Josie Gleave brings us a guide to sexual grooming that can protect you and your friends from online abusers.

livebloggingmydescentintomadness

you should still click through, but this is such a crucial topic that i wanted to copy and past the most important parts of this article: 

The Steps of Grooming

Any person of any age, gender, sexual identity or ethnicity can groom someone for the purpose of abuse. That person may be someone you know or someone you don’t know. Children and teens are not the only victims of grooming, but this guide focuses on young people.

Grooming was first recognized in abuse cases where the abuser knew their victim in person, like Ariana Kukors, a US Olympic swimmer who was abused by her coach. Kukors has spoken publicly about the role grooming played in her story, and how the manipulation kept her under the control of her abusive coach for years. In addition to in person grooming, online grooming has become equally dangerous, prevalent and damaging. More and more of our lives are lived online, which is why we need to think more and more about our safety online.

1. Targeting a victim

Unfortunately, any young person is at risk of online grooming. Abusers typically look for someone who is more vulnerable or in a vulnerable situation, like someone living in foster care or someone with a disability. Online, abusive people look for teens who are lonely or expressing sexual curiosity. Sometimes online abusers pretend to be teenagers themselves, but more often they are adults trying to play the role of an older boyfriend or a mentor who can “teach” the victim about love or sex.

2. Gaining access

Sexual abuse is most often committed by someone that you already know, and this is because the abuser usually needs to be in your circle of acquaintances to get access to you. They want to be nearby and to have opportunities to be alone.

This is often not the case with online abuse, because the internet provides that access. Instead of being in the same city or neighborhood, abusers can meet potential victims on social media, in games, chatrooms, or anywhere that users correspond. Online platforms also allow anonymity, which works in the abuser’s favor. It can be difficult to determine who a person is and their intentions.

3. Building trust

A key part of grooming for sexual abuse is building trust with the victim. In person or online, abusers try to fill a need. You may be lonely, feel unpopular, isolated or bored, and the abuser will pretend to become a friend you can confide in and who can listen. They may act sympathetic, always take your side, and portray themselves as the only person who understands your problems. Their goal is to become your main emotional support. They may also try to make you feel special by treating you like an adult and commenting on your maturity. They may quickly look for a favor they can do for you to make you feel indebted and more likely to do something for them return. This stage is particularly damaging because it closely mimics a positive relationship.

4. Isolation and risk assessment

When an abuser thinks they have established trust, they test that bond. They may try to isolate you from family or friends, sometimes to the point of you becoming very emotionally or otherwise dependent on them. With online grooming, they may ask if your parents check your phone or if you are home alone. They may also start asking you to keep secrets, either about conversations or gifts they send. This is one way the abuser assesses whether they can move to the next step and you will stay silent.

5. Sexualization of the relationship

The final step occurs when the abuser believes they have built sufficient trust that you will do what they request and keep everything secret. They may commit sexual assault in or request sexual images or videos, often increasingly explicit in nature.

While in person and online grooming both follow these steps, abusers work at different rates. For example, Ariana Kukors’ swim coach began grooming her when she was 13 years old and the physical sexual abuse began when she was 15. Online abuse can occur faster, sometimes in even less than one hour.

Red Flags and Warning Signs

It is not reasonable to say that you should avoid the internet if you don’t want to be abused. The responsibility and blame always lies with an abuser, not someone they victimize who is simply engaging in modern life online. We believe it is possible for you to still have fun online, meet new friends, and stay safe. The key is awareness. It may be difficult to identify a step in the grooming process in real time, but there are red flags and warning signs that you can recognize, especially if they start to accumulate. They can help you protect yourself when sexual requests slide into your DMs.

Flattery

It can feel nice to be noticed. Lots of likes and comments on your social media can feel good, but excessive compliments from a stranger can be a warning sign, particularly sexualized comments about your appearance. Flattery is one way online abusers gain access to their victims and begin building a relationship. “Wow, you should be a model,” may seem harmless, but it often isn’t. You have the power. Just because someone gives you a compliment does not mean you have to continue the conversation.

Gifts

Online groomers might send video game currency, cash, electronic devices, or other gifts to you to ingratiate themselves. This is a clear red flag. There is no reason why an adult should be sending gifts to a minor they met online, nor is it typical teen behavior to send gifts if the abuser is posing as a younger person. In actuality, gifts are one way abusers assess risk. They may ask you to not tell your parents about the gift to test how much you trust them and if you will stay silent after sexual abuse.

Asking for personal information

It is safest to avoid sharing personal and identifying information about yourself online or with those you don’t know. If you are playing video games, chatting, or sharing photos for fun, there is no need for personal questions about where you live or go to school. Do your parents read your messages? What is a secret no one knows about you? Abusers want to know as much as they can about their victims so they can better manipulate them.

Secret conversations

Secrets work in the abuser’s favor in two different ways. To build trust, they may confide in you by telling real or made up secrets to try to make you feel special. Abusers also use secrets to test that trust before escalating to sexual abuse. If someone asks you to keep a conversation secret, ask yourself why? Is the conversation inappropriate, or is it dangerous?

Sending sexually explicit photos

In the online dating world, it is almost assumed you will receive sexual photos whether you asked for them or not. Sexting is considered normal, but still has risks and consequences, particularly if you are under 18. Unfortunately, abusers rely on the normalization of sexting. They expect you to dismiss or think nothing of an explicit image, but in reality, abusers send explicit imagery to try and desensitize their victim to future abuse. It is a priming tactic. Keep in mind, that in many countries it is illegal for an adult to send an underage person pornographic material, nor is it lawful to send nude photos as a minor to another person. In any online exchange, it is not okay for anyone to send unsolicited explicit photos. This is poor etiquette and ultimately a nonconsensual act and red flag no matter what.

Requesting sexual photos

Online abusers sexualize the relationship by sending and requesting explicit photos and videos, explicit letters or phone calls, or asking detailed questions about your sexual history or experience. They may begin with a seemingly harmless request, like a photo of you fully clothed, before asking for increasingly sexual images. Others brazenly ask for explicit material straight away and even demand live webcam performances. Remember that after you send an image, you no longer have control over what a person does with that image. Ask yourself how well you know the receiver. Did you meet in person or online? Do you know their real identity and their intentions? How does the request make you feel? Many young people enjoy the attention that comes from the potential of a new relationship, but requests to send nudes can still feel like unwanted pressure.

Threats

After the abuser receives one or multiple sexual images, they may try to blackmail you into sending more images of increasing exploitative nature. They may send threats that they will release the images online or send them to your family or school. This is a kind of extortion, or rather sextortion, and is another form of sexual abuse. You do not need to respond or give in, despite how terrifying the threats may seem. An abuser does not want to put themselves at risk by exposing the relationship, so the threats may be a bluff. Seek immediate help.

Next Steps

If you feel uncomfortable about an online conversation, the next thing you should do may be the hardest. Reach out for help and support. Telling a parent, guardian, teacher or someone else can be daunting because you can’t know for sure how they will react, but confiding in someone with some power who you can trust and who won’t blame you for the abuse is key to moving forward. Alternatively, you can call a helpline which allows you to remain anonymous and get accurate advice about your situation.

An online conversation with someone abusive can spiral out of control quickly. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed, but if there is anything you should take away from this guide, it is this: it is never your fault. The blame is not yours to bear.

For more information or help:

  • Scarleteen – Direct support services including message boards, online chat, and SMS helpline, USA
  • Childline - Helpline for 18 and under, UK
  • NSPCC - Understanding grooming, UK

Some reporting options:

vaspider

I want to emphasize that Scarleteen is the brainchild of Heather Corinna (they/them), one of the most hellaciously awesome human beings I have ever known. They’ve been running Scarleteen with an amazing team of mostly volunteers, on a shoestring, since 1998.

If you want good, basic sex and relationship education, free, online, aimed at teenagers and young adults? Scarleteen.

So if you’re looking for somewhere to throw your donation dollars when you have a few? Scarleteen.

st-just
azspot

In recent years, Google users have developed one very specific complaint about the ubiquitous search engine: They can’t find any answers. A simple search for “best pc for gaming” leads to a page dominated by sponsored links rather than helpful advice on which computer to buy. Meanwhile, the actual results are chock-full of low-quality, search-engine-optimized affiliate content designed to generate money for the publisher rather than provide high-quality answers. As a result, users have resorted to work-arounds and hacks to try and find useful information among the ads and low-quality chum. In short, Google’s flagship service now sucks.

And Google isn’t the only tech giant with a slowly deteriorating core product. Facebook, a website ostensibly for finding and connecting with your friends, constantly floods users’ feeds with sponsored (or “recommended”) content, and seems to bury the things people want to see under what Facebook decides is relevant. And as journalist John Herrman wrote earlier this year, the “junkification of Amazon” has made it nearly impossible for users to find a high-quality product they want — instead diverting people to ad-riddled result pages filled with low-quality products from sellers who know how to game the system.

All of these miserable online experiences are symptoms of an insidious underlying disease: In Silicon Valley, the user’s experience has become subordinate to the company’s stock price. Google, Amazon, Meta, and other tech companies have monetized confusion, constantly testing how much they can interfere with and manipulate users. And instead of trying to meaningfully innovate and improve the useful services they provide, these companies have instead chased short-term fads or attempted to totally overhaul their businesses in a desperate attempt to win the favor of Wall Street investors. As a result, our collective online experience is getting worse — it’s harder to buy the things you want to buy, more convoluted to search for info

sodom-hussein

Cory Doctorow has a similar concept of enshitification:

Here is how platforms die: First, they are good to their users; then they abuse their users to make things better for their business customers; finally, they abuse those business customers to claw back all the value for themselves. Then, they die.

This is enshittification: Surpluses are first directed to users; then, once they’re locked in, surpluses go to suppliers; then once they’re locked in, the surplus is handed to shareholders and the platform becomes a useless pile of shit. From mobile app stores to Steam, from Facebook to Twitter, this is the enshittification lifecycle.

Enshittification truly is how platforms die. That’s fine, actually. We don’t need eternal rulers of the internet. It’s okay for new ideas and new ways of working to emerge. The emphasis of lawmakers and policymakers shouldn’t be preserving the crepuscular senescence of dying platforms. Rather, our policy focus should be on minimizing the cost to users when these firms reach their expiry date: Enshrining rights like end-to-end would mean that no matter how autocannibalistic a zombie platform became, willing speakers and willing listeners would still connect with each other.

-Cory Doctorow. The ‘Enshittification’ of TikTok (archive link)

To add to this, I believe Tumblr has evaded some of this because of it having always had a niche audience and an abundance of porn. But the first steps of enshitification on Tumblr are the 2018 porn ban and the release of Tumblr live. Let’s be loyal to the community and not to the platform.

redpandarascal

it does feel a little bit like being gaslit that the internet is slowly getting worse in barely perceptible ways- it’s validating to see an article that says, “yes, it’s not that you’re getting old and somehow losing your google proficiency, GOOGLE IS WORSE THAN IT USED TO BE.”

Amazon literally shows you fewer search results if you sort by user reviews instead of “Amazon recommended”, and I remember that it didn’t used to do that

Source: Business Insider
st-just
tanadrin

in a lot of the post-french revolution-era liberal uprisings of the 19th century, what the liberal “middle classes” were aiming for explicitly wasn’t democratization as we would now think of it; it was a marginal expansion of the political class to include them. and we now use the term “middle class” to mean “middle income,” but in the historical context it means “very wealthy people who happen not to have hereditary aristocratic titles”

that is to say, “liberalism” in its first appearance wasn’t very liberal by modern standards. and economic liberalism was a set of policies that benefitted a very narrow group of people (that middle class). but the whole reason socialism as a modern political movement started to congeal in the 19th century (though it had had its predecessors as far back as the 17th century!) was because the liberal middle classes were talking a good game about why they should be admitted into the political class, the declaration of the rights of man and all that, but for some reason this newfangled liberalism continued to exclude most of society, and that most of society did not fail to notice this.

and we sort of forget that by the standards of the 19th century, the socialists won. we have minimum wages and the 40-hour workweek and old age pensions and a raft of policies that were the wish list of the far left of the 19th century; and liberalism survived by yielding to its left flank and taking on elements of the socialist project, which gradually dissolved more and more of liberalism’s internal contradictions (things like “how can you talk about universal rights while at the same time thinking there should be a property requirement to vote”)

but i don’t think the left is wrong in noticing that there continue to be glaring contradictions in the way the liberal ideology is applied, even in countries that fancy themselves top-tier liberal democracies, and that (in the wake of the socialists winning so many battles in the 19th and 20th centuries) a lot of those contradictions that remain seem to come down to fundamental issues like “who owns the means of production” and “will they ever stop trying to claw back the things we fought so hard for in various 19th and 20th century labor movements.”

goodbyeomelas
cryptotheism

The overlap between magic and poetry is found in making connections between things that are not connected.

When expounded well, ideas like "the world is a hot dog" can lead to greater understanding of both the world, and hot dogs.

cryptotheism

"But Trismegistus, are not all things connected?"

"This is so, Tat. The mage must find the connections with swag."

occultbookstores

All is one, one is all, everything is weird.

maveriquemagpie
spacelazarwolf

is he “trauma dumping” on you or have you just not unpacked what the patriarchy has taught you outside of “woman bad” and you think men expressing any kind of emotion or vulnerability is bad actually.

spacelazarwolf

image

LITERALLY LIKE MAAM THIS IS THE TRAUMA PROFESSION WHERE U LITERALLY GET PAID FOR PPL TO TELL U THEIR TRAUMA HELLO????????

spacelazarwolf

image

THIS. this is a bell hooks fan page, bell hooks should be required reading for literally everyone.

softness-and-shattering

I’m still not sure when ‘trauma dumping’ became an awful sin separate from venting, or having a vulnerable/intimate conversation. Like yes do check with someone before sharing something heavy if you can, and understand if they’re not in a place to handle that. I dislike the implication that sharing one’s trauma is always irresponsible and a burden upon the conversation partner. 

capricious-observer

Ironically it perpetuates toxic masculinity by making even men who consider themselves feminists, progressive or generally in touch with their feelings think twice about sharing experiences with women (or anybody, really) because what if it irresponsibly causes pain to the listener - so many go back to not talking at all which usually leads to mental health issues that can be much more detrimental, and the cycle continues.

Being mindful and kind about what you share is fair enough, but too much worry can make for fragile, shallow relationships.

Or to put it a different way, some people just think men have cooties and want them to shut up forever, about everything, all the time.

impossiblepackage

Not once in my entire life has opening up to a woman emotional gone well for me. Invariably, women have dipped out almost immediately. Including and, to be honest, especially when they specifically ask me to open up. You can see the moment on their face. I have had multiple women mention combating toxic masculinity as a reason I needed to open up more to them, and they were all among the people who bailed quickest.

I am reminded of that post where a trans man is describing the experience of how cold and isolating it can be. Toxic masculinity is real, and pervasive, but fuck dude. If I tell a friend who's a man that I had a bad day at work or something, they'll usually suggest we do something together. I dont have to worry that he's gonna disappear because I'm having a bad time. The worse a time I'm having, the more likely they are to show up. But women in romantic relationships with me, who have professed love to me, have been so fucking quick to run off the moment I'm not running at 100%.

"Sorry, I'm not your therapist" yeah no shit, I don't need a therapist after a bad day, I need 10 fuckin minutes from somebody who's supposed to care about these kinds of things.

Maybe I've just had rotten luck, but the people who have encouraged toxic masculinity in me have mostly been women. And notably, it's pretty much never men that are close to me.

spacelazarwolf

i think experiences like this (which are very much not abnormal, i’ve heard this from so many male friends) are a perfect example of why we are all responsible for unlearning what the patriarchy has taught us. yes, undoubtably, men need to grapple with the balance of privilege and trauma instilled in them by the patriarchy, but they are far from the only ones who uphold it.

we cannot tell men to reject toxic masculinity and then reject them when they do exactly as we asked them to. we are responsible for each other, as human beings. i’m not interested in the (mostly cis white women’s) response of “you’re asking us to do emotional labor for men!!!!!!” yes. yes, i am. because men are also human beings who deserve support and healing, and you can facilitate that while also holding your own personal boundaries. because life is not fair, and sometimes we have to put the work in if we want to make things better instead of just sitting around complaining that things are bad while contributing to why things are bad.

you can either waste away in perpetual victimhood, or you can join the fight to dismantle the patriarchy, but you cannot have it both ways.

fivespicespr0n

Just adding in that pretty much everyone is misusing the term “emotional labour”, as it turns out.

So there I am in therapy, a cis white woman, and I’m upset because a friendship with a cis man I know has imploded. I whine that I put so much emotional labour into the guy, and he basically threw all the loyalty and interest I’ve shown in his self and interior world away because Reasons, and my therapist was like “lemme stop you right there, everyone is misusing the term emotional labour”.

:/

A fundamental aspect of emotional labour is a power imbalance. One person in the equation has power over the other partner, and also is a shit heel. The other person HAS to manage the first person’s emotions through “emotional labour” because they’re on the disempowered side of the imbalance. They partner tied to the emotionally stunted idiot can’t just get out of the relationship, so they have to Do The Fucking Labour to manage the one with the power or else shit’s going to crash, burn, and suffer.

It would be odd for there to be emotional labour in a friendship. In relationships today where both parties are employed and free (so no abuse involved, separation/breaking up is a safe option) then there isn’t EXACTLY emotional labour because both parties are safe to leave. *shrug* Also women are going through a period of time where (in particular cis-het women) are suuuuuuper pissed about men and are refusing to be kind to men, including the men they love. It’s a whole thing.

spacelazarwolf

EXACTLY. so many ppl are using “emotional labor” to mean “anytime i have to have a tiny bit of compassion for someone who’s not me” when it has literally never meant that.

“The phrase "emotional labor" was actually coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in her 1983 book The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling, and refers to "a situation where the way a person manages his or her emotions is regulated by a work-related entity in order to shape the state of mind of another individual, such as a customer."

too many white women have caught hold of this phrase and are now using it as a catch-all for “any conversation in which i am not the center of attention or in which someone who doesn’t look like me makes me uncomfortable by asking me to care about them” and i’m pretty fucken tired of it.

spacelazarwolf

image

begging y’all on this website to do like two seconds of critical thinking when it comes to reacting to marginalized ppl criticizing white women.

freakyfrankyfresh

Being a man and unlearning the toxic masculinity I was raised with, that taught me to keep my feelings inside and to myself, was one of the hardest processes of my life.

The alienation, from trying to connect with other men on more than a superficial level and not being able to, paired with the rejection from women who viewed such open discussion of my trauma, feelings, and struggles as signs of weakness or instability, hurt me to my core, and for the longest time I thought I was doing something wrong just by sharing my feelings and my story with people.

It wasn't until I met other LGBT+, gender non-conforming folks for the first time that I was able to learn what real acceptance and compassion felt like.

And you can be sure that I'm not alone.

griffinsystem

I cannot even begin to put into words how much it means to me when I see people talk about this.

For quite a while, I have noticed that the queer community runs rampant with a gender affirming version of gender essentialism. It firmly draws a line in the sand between men and non-men. Men are inherently evil and dangerous and privileged, and non-men are just people.

It was honestly only rather recently I was able to recognize it for what it is. It was only in reading this post that I fully realised the ways in which this has impacted me.

I have a vivid memory of when I was thirteen or fourteen of me considering undergoing conversion therapy for being transgender. I was fully aware of how horrible and traumatic conversion therapy is to endure, it was not from a place of ignorance.

I wish to make a prefacing comment before stating the reason I was considering it, to help understand the severity of how it impacted me. I was living in an unsupportive household in which I was not even allowed to be out. I was not allowed to go by my name and pronouns even with friends. The day I told my classmates I was transgender, my parents told me that me being transgender was going to get my brother pushed in front of a car. I had no shortage of experience when it came to being taught being transgender was a bad thing. None of that factored into why I was considering conversion therapy at age thirteen. It was because of how I was seeing women, especially queer women, demonising men.

One instance of this that is particularly burnt into my brain was the comments under a post about MLM and WLW solidarity. There was comment after comment from queer women about how the post would have been better off without the men. That it is horrible to compare WLW relationships with relationships that involve men, because all relationships involving men are horrible and toxic and disgusting. Men are inherently horrible and toxic and disgusting.

There was so much more than just this one instance. I was taught that it was a shame at best that I was transgender because I could have been WLW. That being a man meant that if I were to ever date a woman, I was going to hurt her. Any relationships I had would be toxic because I am a man. People are better off being with women. I could have been WLW. Instead, I was a monster.

Even now I am afraid to mention I was considering conversion therapy. My instinctive response is that it does not matter I was experiencing such extreme and traumatic bigotry that I considered undergoing conversion therapy to fix me, the fact that I ever thought that it is horrible mistreatment of those who have been forced to undergo it. That instinctive response is probably from the same place that made me want that, the idea that something is wrong with me not the bigotry I am facing.

I was taught that it is not bigotry I am facing. That it is impossible to experience oppression on the basis of being a man. That as a man, I not only held privilege above all other transgender people, but cisgender women too. Any time I would see someone begin to broach the topic of transgender men experiencing transphobia they would be dogpiled. Accusations of being transmisogynistic and speaking over the transgender women getting murdered were coupled with the 'fact' that transgender men only experience a fraction of the bigotry that transgender women do. Any experiences that fell out of that fraction was simply misdirected bigotry from people who believed us to be transgender women. Transgender men are not truly the targets, simply collateral, and implying otherwise is using your privilege as a man to silence and oppress transgender women.

I only found out last year that studies indicate transgender men and women face rather equal levels of bigotry. The only instance in which transgender women face far more bigotry than transgender men is when it comes to black transgender women and black transgender men. When I found out I wrote a big post for it, which I never ended up posted. I planned on making it a YouTube video. I wanted to be able to link to it when I speak about transphobia, as evidence that I was actually experiencing the harm I said I was. I needed evidence that I was not harming transgender women and minimising their struggles on hand or else I was simply going to be another man using his privilege to silence women. I was too scared to talk about anything without that evidence. I never ended up having the energy to create that video. I felt so alone for so long.

The only time I would ever see anything like this being talked about is transfemmes speaking about demonisation they face for being transgender. I would find myself horrified that I would dare to relate to transmisogyny, that is not something I am allowed to feel.

I heard the song Woollen Mittens on TikTok a while ago. It is a song made by Ewy, a nonbinary creator, about their experiences with being demonised for masculinity. When I heard it I almost did not even allow myself to feel how deeply it resonated with me. It was not until I saw them post a video where they said they do not mind who uses the song on TikTok provided they are queer that I, with the permission of someone who is not a man, allow myself to feel how I felt about it.

I wish I was able to provide some form of happy ending. I struggled for a little while to think about something good I could say. If I allow myself to be entirely honest here, it was only as I read and made this post did I realise that I am far more impacted by this than I realise.

Me seeking some form of happy ending to provide is coming from a place of feeling like I must ease the emotional burden I have placed upon those who decided to read. I almost began the reblog with something along the lines of, 'I try not to post such heavy topics, my apologies if it upset you.' I feel responsible and horrible for any form of emotional hardship that I may give to others.

I have always prided myself on being a good communicator. I built a communication system from the ground up for an ex of mine who struggled with it. Whenever I detect something that may be wrong with a partner of mine, I walk them through communicating. I feel horrible for not having picked up on it sooner, for allowing myself to harm them. Me not knowing what I cannot possibly know feels like my responsibility, not theirs for not having told me.

When I do communicate how I feel, it feels like a violent passionate burst that destroys everything in its wake. It feels like fire and it burns. I prefer communicating over text, so I can take my time and ensure the fire does not burn others as well. No matter how careful I am, no matter how it was received, it is followed up with careful attempts to dress any wounds it could have possibly left behind in the people I spoke with.

As I began to explore masculine forms of dressing, I struggled to let go of the label gender non-conforming when dressed like that. I seek out ways I can incorporate femininity into my look to smooth the hard, dangerous edges of masculinity.

Ever since I began dressing masculine, I have been obsessed with figuring out what sort of man I want to be. I want to be put together, but kind and liked. I want people to feel safe. I planned on carrying around a sewing kit in case anyone needs, because it is soft and domestic and dorky and sweet and people will not view me as scary if they know about it.

Since being on testosterone, since people look at me and see a man, it feels as though it is my responsibility to ensure they feel safe at all times. I have been masking my autism for months because my formal linguistic style, lack of expression, and monotone voice is a frightening now that my voice is deep. Even after it has caused me to lose months of time from dissociation, I have been struggling to let go of it. I initially wrote the majority of the post masking, to ensure I came across correctly.

I have realised I think of myself as a monster. Now that I know that I can see that every aspect of myself is built on this belief. I do not know where to even begin to address this.

I cannot quite stop myself from giving it a happier ending, so instead I am going to acknowledge that is what I am doing. Thank you to everyone who has added to this conversation, you have helped me realise a lot of important things about myself. Now that I am aware of them, I can begin to work on them.

thefrogofrainbows

I’ve found that the constant bombardment of “men bad” has really begun to affect me. I’m AMAB but I don’t really identify with many male/masculine things. But the “men bad” combined with just good old garden variety transphobia has led me into a kind of self loathing.


I think about actually presenting as more femme than I currently do, and it makes me happy. Then I kind of hit a wall in my thoughts of this internalized transphobia where I feel like I am undeserving of presenting like that, that I’ll just be seen as a predator and make people uncomfortable and that I should avoid that so nobody is displeased.


Then I recognize that line of thought is BS and tuck it away until it happens again later. But a little bit sticks around and nags at me whenever I’m enjoying myself. Like griffinsystem, I’m starting to think of myself as a monster and I really do not want to continue doing that.

occultbookstores

The first steps I took towards feeling comfortable in my skin were to stop feeling guilty for being male. For feeling desire for women. For taking up my space.

maveriquemagpie
thenyanguardparty

and btw the USA will be remembered as one of the most evil empires in history

occultbookstores

*Genghis Khan looks at camera*

While there’s plenty of evil stuff done by us, and that needs to be acknowledged. However, the fact that we even consider it evil is a sign of changed morality. For most of history, conquering your neighbors for shits and giggles, then building new houses while their survivors serve you was the NORM.

maveriquemagpie
pervocracy

The opposite of “only vaginal intercourse is sex” isn’t “all sexual contact is sex.”

It’s “sex is what you and your partner want it to be.”

The opposite of “sex is a huge commitment” isn’t “sex is meaningless.”

It’s “what does sex mean to you?”

The opposite of “sex exists to make babies and keep husbands” isn’t “sex exists to give pleasure.”

It’s “sex exists for the purpose you use it for.”

The opposite of “you should be ashamed of sex” isn’t “you should be shameless about sex.”

It’s “sex is a thing people do.”

occultbookstores

The opposite of “having sex is wrong” isn’t “not having sex is wrong (or at least pathetic).


It’s "have as much sex as you’re comfortable with, for what reasons you choose.”